Friday, April 1, 2011

Thoughts on Miscarriage

I'd like to ask prayers for some of our friends who lost their baby this week. I'm not sure how far along she was... I'm guessing 15 weeks. (She and I got pregnant at about the same time.) They had a miscarriage last year, and everything had seemed okay this time around. My heart is really hurting for them, and I know they would appreciate your prayers.
Having recently been through this (and not even as hard as their experience, her being much further along), I remember how I felt, and offered to help out however I could (I'm not tooting my own horn here). As I was preparing a meal to take to them today, I was thinking about how people react to a miscarriage.
For example, our church has a meal ministry. We take meals to people after the birth of a baby, after deaths, and after surgery. Isn't a miscarriage all three of those rolled into one? Yet we ignore it. We give a pat, "Praying for you." and avoid the topic, if not the person entirely. Why is that? If we're truly pro-life, shouldn't we be showering them in support, as they've lost a person? A dream, hopes.... shattered.
I know we all feel awkward, and we think we don't know what to say. But honestly, just being available would be wonderful. You don't have to say anything. A meal. A bag of groceries. Watch the kids for a couple hours.
Two things that helped me make it through were my sister, who has lost three babies, and talking about our experiences and pregnancies, and my best friend Brooke, who let me celebrate my pregnancy, even though we lost the baby, by not avoiding the topic. Also, Paul being home, so I didn't have to stuff my emotions down and be brave for my kids.
I don't know what I'm thinking I'll accomplish by writing this, but maybe next time you hear of someone losing a baby, you might think of it differently.


Doug or Janice Rhodes said...

having been there yourself gives you keener insight into another's needs. God will use willing vessels to help others and make us grow in HIM.

~ April said...

This SO needs to change in people's minds! I agree with you whole heartedly! When we lost ours baby we sent out baby announcements (born in to heaven announcements) because we had told so many people about the pregnancy and didn't want to have to keep telling people about our loss. Also it was for us a validation that our little girl was here, was a real person, was dearly loved and dearly missed. We did recieve some sympathy cards but that was it.

Recently a woman at our church lost a baby at 17 weeks. We brought a meal... then I made note of what her due date was and brought her a teddy bear, cookies and a special note on her due date because you know that family was still grieving! You know that when that due date came and there was no baby to celebrate that their hearts broke again.

If people don't know what to do... the web is amazing for giving ideas. Type in "how to help after miscarriage" or something like that and you will be amazed what you can find online to give you ideas of what to say, what NOT to say, and how to help! It just takes a minute and can mean so much to a parent who has lost a dearly loved baby.

Sending up a prayer right now for your friend!

Brooke said...

I'm glad to hear that what I did helped a little, because I sure have been feeling like I majorly dropped the ball. Until talking to you after the fact, I had no idea of the details and had not really thought through what the recovery is like.

I mean, I always knew that the emotional recovery is the same as a death, but I never really pondered the physical process. It never even crossed my mind to offer to bring you a meal. Maybe it's just me being terribly ignorant, but I thought first trimester miscarriages were far more traumatic emotionally than physically. I kinda pictured the physical process as like a really bad period unless you had to have a D&C.

I am grateful that you have been willing to share, both in person and on here. I know that I will be much more aware of people's needs in the future when it comes to miscarriage. I am very sorry that you experienced it firsthand, but Janice is right- God is using your experience to make you better able to serve Him.