How Did We Get Here, Part 2

I briefly explained our view of family planning in this post.  After having Opal 5 years ago, we stuck to our natural family planning - and figured with my advancing age, that our chances of our family expanding were rapidly declining now that I am over 40.

But God is full of humor and blessings.

He surprised us this year with our third "last child."  We now have 7 kids!  We never planned to be "one of those weird families."  (And I still don't consider us one of "those" families. We are a very normal family, that happens to have a lot of kids!)

We started marriage in 2004 planning to have an "acceptably large" family of 4 kids.  I did not have regular menstrual cycles (one or two a year), so we had to use ovulation drugs to get pregnant with the first two (boys), born in 2007 and 2009.  We had a miscarriage in 2011.  After being pregnant with a girl (born 2012), it seemed that my hormones finally figured it out and I began cycling regularly. We had our fourth (another boy) in 2013, and whereas I was "done" mentally (4 kids in 6 years), I can't say I ever truly felt like I knew we were done.  (Everyone says you know.)  

Paul was leaving it up to me, as it is my body that has to bear pregnancies, and I was leaving it up to him as it's his finances that have to provide.  We both felt that we needed to trust God, but agreed my body needed a break.  (I had been pregnant or nursing all but a few months of 8 years.)

Then we became pregnant with #5 within months of having the "let's give your body a break" talk.  Another girl was born in 2016.  (And this was after having an ovary removed due to a cyst!)

After this baby, my cycles became extremely regular, and we thought this we had this family planning thing really under control. No babies for 4 years seemed to verify that thought.  And then there was that one month in spring of 2020 (the spring of Covid lockdown)......  Our 6th was born in early 2021.

At this point we both felt we were done, but still not willing to have surgery to demand our will over God's.  Our oldest was almost done with home school high school, and our youngest was just starting.  I was managing a thriving ministry at church, and we were all involved in ministry at church and helping on my family's farm.  Life was full, and we were content and abundantly blessed.

Everything on the internet about fertility in your 40s says it is almost impossible to get pregnant.  Apparently that doesn't apply if you've had 6 babies already!  We got pregnant with baby #7 on my 42nd birthday, despite carefully tracking my cycles, and the calendar and physical symptoms showing me being days past "the danger zone."  Ironically, my sister had just given me back all the baby stuff I'd given to her.  I took it to donation, but the pregnancy center was randomly closed, so the car seat and other items stayed in the back of my van for two weeks.......where it still was when I found out I'd need them again!

Our 7th was born in March of 2025.  I've had babies in three separate decades!  ('00s, '10s, and '20s)  God is good, and never ceases to amaze us.

Surprise..... Five!

Something I've been asked a lot since Gideon, our 4th child, (who just turned 2) was born, is the question, "So, are you done?"
I'm not sure how I feel about it.  Is it judgment?  (You shouldn't have more than four kids.)  Is it curiousity?  (Are you one of those "big family" people?)  I usually just gave a vague answer, because.....  We're weren't sure.
About a year ago, I was feeling pressure from people (and maybe myself) to decide for sure.  Everyone says, "You'll know when you're done."  But I didn't know.  There were a lot of comments about how I needed to get on birth control or Paul needed to have "the operation" done.  (Which I did consider rude.)
We had trouble getting pregnant with Nathan.  I only had one period in the year after I went off newlywed birth control.  That meant one chance to get pregnant.  I had no idea what was going on with my body or what medical interventions it would take to get pregnant.  It turned out that for me, it was relatively simple.  After one round of Clomid (an ovulation drug), I was pregnant.
But in that year, I spent a lot of nights crying out to God with many tears to give us a baby.  All I had ever wanted, my whole life, was to be a mother.  I recently found a poster I made in 3rd grade about my likes and dislikes, and what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I had written "a mommy" and drawn a picture of me with a little child.  I wrote my "career paper" for Senior year on motherhood.  Being a mom was all I had ever wanted, and all I had ever felt "called" by God to do.
And then I got pregnant.  And the hormonoes of pregnancy and nursing apparently set my body in order, because obviously there have been no problems getting pregnant since then.  (Our kids are spaced 2 years, 2.5 years, and 20 months apart.  We had a miscarriage between our 2nd and 3rd, which accounts for the longer gap.)
So, being that God not only answered our prayers, but blessed us abundantly and beyond with four children, and healed my body, I felt like it wasn't my right to tell God to quit sending blessings.  So I left the decision up to Paul, who has to lead and provide for this family.  (And deal with me when I'm losing my mind from dealing with kids! :) )  I had some minor health concerns as well, considering I've had two surgeries to repair hernias caused by pregnancy, and also have severe varicose veins.  But I felt God reminding me that He made my body.  He can heal it and help it carry another baby.
Shortly after I had gotten these thoughts in order in my head, but not really shared them with anyone, Paul sat me down on the couch, last April or so, and said, "We need to talk."  My heart dropped, because previous "we need to talks" had been about very upsetting subjects, and I was not ready for one of those talks.
Paul said, "What do you think about having another baby?"
I just laughed.
I told him that I had left it up to him and God, so this was the answer.  Paul explained, "I've never felt like we should have more.  I was good with one.  I was good with two.  I've always felt it was up to you since it's your body.  And I'm not saying right away.  Let's give you a break and get Gideon older and maybe potty trained and next spring (2016), we'll start trying."
In May and June, my cycles messed up, and in July, after several weeks of suspicion, I found out I was pregnant. (And Gideon, showing God's sense of humor, started potty training himself in August.)
So, basically, what we were saying was, "Yeah, God, we heard you.  But we'll obey on our own time."  And God, being the good Father, decided to make us obey on his time.
So.... We're going to have 5 kids!
This little one is due sometime in mid-March.  The doctor's chart says March 8, but sonograms we've had say anywhere from 3-5 days later.
I actually didn't go see the doctor until I was 30 weeks (7 months) along.  Our insurance charges us for obstetrician care in both years, if you get pregnant in one year and deliver in another.  When we had Zadie (born in April) we paid an additional $700.  Last year's insurance, we had a higher deductible and had had zero medical expenses, so we knew we were looking at paying even more.  I decided that I knew now, after 4 babies, what was normal for me, and I wasn't paying a thousand bucks to go in for 3 or 4 visits, where all I do is pee all over myself trying to pee in a tiny cup, having them measure my belly, and say, "Do you have any questions?  Okay, see you in a month!"  Pregnancy is not an illness, so I didn't see a need to go in.
We did have a sonogram at a local women's life center, just for peace of mind.  That's where we found out I was due almost 2 weeks earlier than I thought I should be.  Even though it's not necessarily a medical sonogram, everything looked good.  We even have a video of our 15-week-old baby with hiccups.
After my first appointment (January 12), my doctor ordered another sonogram.  Given the activity level of this baby, I am confident of it's health. :)  But I went to have one for the doctor's peace of mind.  (She had recently had an unhappy surprise during a delivery.)  And I wasn't going to complain about getting to see this little one!
A baby at 32 weeks looks so much different than a baby at 16 weeks.  I could see the chub starting to form.  The technician pointed out the fuzz of hair - enough to show up on a sonogram, even though there's 8 weeks to go!  She said he's measuring about 4.5 pounds, which is right about where he should be for how how far along I am.  (I say "he", but we don't know if it's a boy or girl....  We're waiting to be surprised again.)
So here is our baby!  (And my excuse for such a prolonged absence from blogging.)

I can't wait to meet him (her)!!!

It's Been Four Years Since Our Miscarriage

Zadie was "helping" me get dressed for church yesterday, so I asked her what shirt I should wear.  Of course, she chose the only article of clothing I have that has sparkly "bling" on it.
Which brought to mind how long I've had it - and my train of thought went something like this:  Oh, I bought this to wear to the David Garrett concert in Omaha.... That was also in February..... And I miscarried that night.....  What day is it?
Yesterday was four years to the day since we found out our precious Angel wasn't going to be born.  I know death and sorrow are never part of God's plan, but He can use those awful things we go through to make beautiful things.  I wonder why we had to lose a baby, but then I realize, if Angel had been born, we wouldn't have this beautiful ragamuffin to love, who brings such joy to us every day.

There is beauty in the brokenness.

God always knows His purposes.

I recently read the book of Job in the Bible.  God allowed Satan to do horrible things to Job.  Satan took not one, but all 10 of Job's children, in addition to all of his possessions and physical health.  Satan was sure he would win in Job's life, causing Job to hate and curse God.  God knew Job could handle it, so he allowed Satan to test Job.

But Job didn't curse God.  He questioned why, but he realized God's sovereignty.  And God blessed Job with twice as much as he had before.  

And I hope that the reason that God let us go through that loss was because He knew we could handle it.  We didn't know we could handle it, but we came through it praising Him, and He has blessed us with so much since then.

Blessed be His name.

Room Re-do

I decided to deep-clean the boys' room last week.  It took 3 days, spread over 2 weeks, and it all started with my feeling the need to vacuum.....
Anyhow.  I'll spare you the process.  Because reading the process might allow you a glimpse of how my brain works.  And quite frankly, that could be a bit scary.
The boys have shared a room since Jacob was about 18 months old.  It was a bit young for Jake to make the transition from his own room and crib to a different room and a big bed, but we had made plans to move him over that summer when we found out we were expecting in 2011.  Even though we lost that baby, we still went ahead and moved him as planned for the summer, to save on electric costs.  (Each room upstairs requires a window unit.)
Zadie and the new baby will be sharing a room for a year or two.  Even if it's a boy (which, for the record, I think it is), I think it's fine when children are very young for brothers and sisters to sleep in the same room.
Personally, I think it's best for kids to share rooms.  Maybe that comes from the fact that I never had a room to myself until I was 18, and I'm quite sure I turned out wonderful.  (ha ha)  But I think sharing a room teaches kids good life lessons about boundaries, sharing, accountability, and responsibility.  So even if we had the money to add on, or for some reason moved into a bigger house, I'm not sure I'd want all my kids to have their own separate rooms.  It just seems.... lonely.
We were given a set of used bunk beds.  We'd been planning on bunks for the boys, but in pricing them new, had decided we could build some ourselves for much cheaper.  We thought we'd have to build them anyways, as the sloped ceilings could prove to be a height restriction.  But these fit just perfectly!
So we put them up in the boys' room.  That way, it's already kind of set up to move another bed in, if Baby is a brother, or they'll permanently have a play space where the other bed was, if Baby is a sister.  (Incidentally, if Baby is a sister, the girls will probably eventually move into what is now the boys' room, as it is slightly larger, and we all know how much stuff girls require!)
Anyhow:  So here are the photos!  Not a complete makeover, as it still has the nursery paint job, but definitely a deep-cleaning, re-arranging, different feel to the whole room.
(I should have taken a "before" picture, but when I started cleaning, I didn't know this is where it would end up.  I know I've probably got one somewhere, but I am not sorting through my 10,000 unsorted photos just to find it.)

The bunk beds cleaned up quite nicely!  (They'd been stored in an abandoned house.)

There is a set of drawers that can be slid in under the bunks.  We decided the amount of space they take up vs. how little the drawers actually would hold made them not worth the effort.  We'll slide totes under if we need extra storage.

And the beds are made, solely for the photo op, since we don't make the beds..... Ever.

Play Central:  All Legos, wooden train tracks, and matchbox cars/farm equipment are gone from my living room!

Looking back toward the door (standing by the window).  Do you get the feel for how little the room is?  Jacob's dresser is the wood one.  The matching desk and dresser are Nathan's.

The tree trunk is a doorway to the only closet in the house that's not in the master bedroom.....

......So we use the enclosed dormer as the boys' closet.

The tiny dresser was Jacob's dresser, which I repurposed as a linen dresser to hold all the twin-size sheets (rather than having to go downstairs to get them).  We moved the bigger wood-grain dresser over from Zadie's room (even though he only uses 3 drawers), and she now is using an antique dresser.

The bunks have a ladder, but Zadie can zip right up it, so we keep it down under the bed during the day and set it up at bedtime, so it's easier and safer to get down in the middle of the night.  Besides, that thing takes up a lot of real estate!

Nathan is currently in the top bunk, but Jacob really wants to sleep up there.  So we may switch residents each time we wash sheets.

Perspective

One my sidebar, I have links to friends' blogs.  On one of my friends' blogs, she has links to other blogs.  One of those blogs is Life and Grace.
Talk about a lesson in perspective.
This woman is about to have a baby.  A baby that won't live very long after birth.  She's known that for most of the pregnancy, and yet chose to carry the baby (not abort her) and celebrate the life.  She's simultaneously planning a birth and a funeral.  And yet the strength and grace and absolute trust in the Lord she has blows me away.  Every time I read it, I am so humbled.
If you have the time, read it.  You will be blessed.  And if you have any heart, you will bawl your head off.

One Year

Last week marked one year since we lost our precious baby Angel.  I don't know whether this is good or bad, but on the actual day that was the year anniversary, it didn't even cross my mind.
My best friend gave me this Willow Tree angel in September in remembrance of our baby, who would have been due that month.  She knew we'd named the baby Angel, and also that we were expecting again.  A butterfly is a symbol of new life, and I thought it was so fitting.
It is easier not to be overcome with grief when you have a new life growing inside of you.  Even though we are sad that we never got to meet Angel, we also know that we wouldn't be expecting this little one if we hadn't of lost Angel.  I don't understand what God's purpose and plans are through all of this, but I can't dwell on it.  I just look forward to the future and what He has in store for our family.

18 Weeks

I don't know why, but this information just made me happy:

Head to rump, your baby is approximately 5 1/2 inches long and weighs almost 7 ounces. He's busy flexing his arms and legs — movements that you'll start noticing more and more in the weeks ahead. (From a weekly update I get from Babycenter.com)

5 1/2 inches is getting pretty big.  There is a reason for my belly (although it seems like I was this fat even when Baby was the size of a peanut).  I'm starting to feel movements.  Halfway is getting closer, and every day fear of miscarriage diminishes.
I've reached the size I can't hide it.  And I'm okay with that.  I make jokes about being fat, but I love my belly.  It means I'm growing a life.

This Week

This week was the week our baby would have been born.

I bought this figurine after Paul gave our baby the name Angel. It's called "Angel's Embrace" - I suppose because the angel is hugging the baby.

But for us, it's because Angel is hugging the angels.

A Moment

I don't usually dwell much on the baby we lost by miscarriage. Not because it didn't sadden me, but because there's nothing I can do about it. I know it was God's will.

But today, the thought crossed my mind - how far along would I have been? So I counted up on the calendar....

I would have been 7 months. And then I found this picture of me two summers ago, 7 months pregnant with Jacob.

And I had a moment. A moment of sadness and tears.

I would much rather have the baby inside me, even if it made me suffer through this miserable heat. Because that would mean in two short months, I would be holding our precious one in my arms.

I miss you, Angel.

Thoughts on Miscarriage

I'd like to ask prayers for some of our friends who lost their baby this week. I'm not sure how far along she was... I'm guessing 15 weeks. (She and I got pregnant at about the same time.) They had a miscarriage last year, and everything had seemed okay this time around. My heart is really hurting for them, and I know they would appreciate your prayers.
Having recently been through this (and not even as hard as their experience, her being much further along), I remember how I felt, and offered to help out however I could (I'm not tooting my own horn here). As I was preparing a meal to take to them today, I was thinking about how people react to a miscarriage.
For example, our church has a meal ministry. We take meals to people after the birth of a baby, after deaths, and after surgery. Isn't a miscarriage all three of those rolled into one? Yet we ignore it. We give a pat, "Praying for you." and avoid the topic, if not the person entirely. Why is that? If we're truly pro-life, shouldn't we be showering them in support, as they've lost a person? A dream, hopes.... shattered.
I know we all feel awkward, and we think we don't know what to say. But honestly, just being available would be wonderful. You don't have to say anything. A meal. A bag of groceries. Watch the kids for a couple hours.
Two things that helped me make it through were my sister, who has lost three babies, and talking about our experiences and pregnancies, and my best friend Brooke, who let me celebrate my pregnancy, even though we lost the baby, by not avoiding the topic. Also, Paul being home, so I didn't have to stuff my emotions down and be brave for my kids.
I don't know what I'm thinking I'll accomplish by writing this, but maybe next time you hear of someone losing a baby, you might think of it differently.

7 Years

Last Sunday (the 20th) was our 7-year anniversary. In some ways, I can't believe it's been that long! In others, I can't believe it's only been 7 years!

Paul was scheduled to work nights all weekend. I asked him a couple weeks beforehand if he'd taken it off, because I remembered discussing it back in January. He told me no, and he doubted he'd be able to get it off in such short notice. Not a big deal - this is our 7th anniversary, and I'm pretty sure he's had to work 5 of the seven, so whatever.

But then the week beforehand, he asked his parents if they would watch the boys Sunday after church. Even though he would be asleep, and had to leave for work at 5:30. But he said it was so we could have some "alone time" before he left. I was like, Really - shouldn't we save the free babysitting for when we'll have more than an hour to spend together? But again - whatever. Then I happened to see him looking at the website for a fancy restaurant one night.

I started getting suspicious.

But Sunday came, and he still hadn't said anything. I wasn't disappointed, but I still thought he might be planning something. But really, I wouldn't have been surprised if he didn't do anything. And wouldn't have been disappointed either.

And then I came home from church, and found this note on a chair right in front of the door:

Written on a reservation confirmation for Chateau Avalon. I got the biggest, stupidest grin on my face. Seriously cheesy. And I couldn't make myself stop smiling. Apparently Paul was quite pleased with himself, because when I went in to kiss him (he was asleep, supposedly), he started smirking as soon as he heard me walk in the room.

Even though we've been to Chateau Avalon before, I think this was my favorite time. I think it's because it was a complete surprise. Like I said, I suspected he was up to something, but I just figured he was going to take the night off, then take me out to dinner. I have an amazing husband! (And an amazingly sneaky one!)

Paul confessed that he wanted this to be a do-over of our trip to Omaha, since that trip didn't end up being anything like we expected when we planned it. This trip more than made up for what we experienced there.

Paul had picked out the Roman Dynasty room. We had seen this room when we toured the hotel years ago. I really liked it! (Of course I did.... Duh!) Paul got me the romance package, which included a rose-petal strewn bed, a bottle of champange (which was not very tasty - I don't get people's fascination with champange!), and bubble bath for the tub.

We were going to try a new restaurant - they have lots up in the area - but we ended up going to our ol' standby: Outback Steakhouse.... A Bloomin' Onion always wins. And it ended up being free! (The Bloomin' Onion, that is - not the entire meal.) They had a special that if you eat at the bar, you get a free Bloomin' Onion. We were fine with that - it was actually probably better, because Paul would have tried to watch the game anyways, and this way, he didn't have to stare off across the room the whole time, or rubber-neck trying to watch a tv that's behind him.

We didn't go to see a movie, because honestly, nothing out looks any good. We enjoyed the hot tub and discussed the possibilty of getting one of those installed in our house. Oh my goodness. I love those tubs! Paul had our chocolate-covered strawberries (part of the romance package)delivered shortly after, and we ate them in bed while watching a movie. So relaxing!

After sleeping in ridiculously late the next morning and enjoying the completely delicious breakfast delivered to our room, we finally took off some time after 11, and went through Lawrence on the way home. I had several little stops to make, which would be infintessimally (is that a word?) easier if I didn't have the boys with me. (A 5-minute stop takes 20 at least, when you have to deal with car seats, shopping carts, and keeping little hands off the merchandise!) Paul wasn't thrilled about having to go to Hobby Lobby (he asked how much longer as soon as we walked in), but - the things you do for love, eh?

We ended our time in Lawrence by going car-shopping. We know we're going to have to buy a new car when we have our next child. We may be able to get by with all three in the back seat of my car for a while, but we're going to have to downsize some car seats to the "economy-sized" ones. And no, we are not preggo! We are just trying to plan ahead and know what we want when it comes time to get it.

We went to Crown Toyota, because Paul and I have always been impressed with the staff there (that's where he bought his first truck). We told the sales staff we were not buying today, and we wanted to just look on our own, and they left us alone. We perused their selection, and I hate to say.... I liked the minivan best. Grr. We had kind of thought we would like a crossover, because I do not want a minvan, and Paul does not want an SUV (and neither do I after looking at their gas mileage!) But after looking at the crossovers (the Toyota version, plus a Chevy and Saturn version they also had on the lot), the back row of seating is meant to be occasional, not every-day, and if we have 4 kids, we'd need the back row every day! And when you are using the back row in a crossover, you lose most of your cargo space. The van can seat 8, and still have a good amount of cargo space (for my once-a-month shopping). And it could even fit 8 adults, for shorter trips. But..... I am SO not a minivan mommy! However, I'd rather give up my reputation to get something that will really be what our family needs, rather than something that looks stylish. I'll just have to take a year or two, while we're saving up, to get used to the idea. (We are not buying new! I figure by the time we need it, we'll hopefully have enough saved up by making "car payments" to our savings account that we can afford a 1 or 2-year-old used one.)

Anyhow. That's how we old-marrieds celebrated our 7th Anniversary.

Omaha

As I mentioned in a previous entry, Paul and I went on "what was supposed to be a romantic getaway."
In spite of everything that happened, I still had a great time. I loved our trip and was so glad that we took it.
For Christmas, Paul and I bought tickets to see one of our favorite musicians. Paul "discovered" him last year on Playlist.com, and started looking up his music other places. His name is David Garrett, he is a "rock violininst" from Germany. The best way to describe his music is he takes classical music and puts a "rock" spin on it, or he takes rock music (by artists such as Metallica, Van Halen, or Micheal Jackson) and interprets them through violin. He is very, very talented. When Paul found out he would be doing a tour in the USA, he looked up locations, and we found out that he would be, of all places, in Omaha (3 1/2 hours away). So we bought 2 tickets as our only Christmas gifts to each other.
Since it wasn't even in our imagination that we'd be pregnant, the plan was a steak dinner, the concert, and an entire bottle of wine between the two of us (which sounds like a lot, but is actually only like 2 glasses each), lots of soaking in the hot tub, and lots of......romance. Just the two of us, husband and wife, not Mommy and Daddy. When we found out we were pregnant, that took out the hot tub (at least the hot part of the hot tub - it would have to be more like a lukewarm tub) and the wine. When we found out we were having a miscarriage, that took out everything else but the steak and the concert.
But I really had a wonderful time. We had over 6 hours of talking in the car, a great (albeit horribly overpriced!) dinner, and the concert was amazing. I enjoyed the music so much, and I think watching Paul enjoy it made it that much better for me. (For those of you that don't know - Paul plays violin, too. He is tremendously talented, and will always be my favorite musician, but I have to say.... I'm thinking David Garrett may be my second favorite. :P )
I had the actual miscarriage in the middle of the night. I started having contractions and knew what was coming. Paul stayed up with me, doing things for me that no husband should ever have to do. I am so grateful for him. In looking back, this was probably the best way it could have happened, being just the two of us. For the next 24 hours, I was physically weaker than I have been in my entire life, even more than after labor with either boy, and he took care of me the whole time, encouraging me to sleep, carrying all the luggage, and making sure I didn't overdo it. He is the best husband I could ever ask for.
So our romantic getaway really was romantic. But in ways so much different and so much deeper than we had ever planned.
And I am totally looking forward to the next time Mr. Garrett is back in our area.


If you're interested, the below video (6 minutes) is kind of an interview and overview of David Garrett's music.

Comments on the video:
Thank GOD he did not wear those pants at the concert we were at. My respect for him may have dropped a few points after seeing him in those.
The scary guitar chick was not at "our" concert. Yikes.
Neither was the orchestra - it was just his band (drums, bass guitar, 2 other guitars, keyboard), which I think I liked better.
And he really should have pulled his hair back for the interview. He looks pretty girly with it down around his face like that.
That's all.

Oh - except: My favorite song of his was not on that clip. Click here to watch it on YouTube. (And may I say, I dislike 90% of the pictures on that slideshow. So much different than the way he presents himself on stage!)
I may or may not have embarrassed my husband by the enthusiasm of my applause before and after he performed it. (And may I mention - the first person I ever heard play this song was my husband. :) )

Blessed Be Your Name

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

We're singing this song for church Sunday, because I needed to sing it. My head is there, but I need to make sure my heart is, too. During praise team practice, I had a little bit of a hard time, but I was singing with my heart, not just my lips. And I'm glad I can say that.

Thanks, everyone, for your prayers. I am doing so much better than I thought I would be. We both are. I still am sad, but it doesn't bring tears to my eyes to think about it. The hardest thing lately has been when Paul read my blog before I posted it, he changed what I had written beneath the ultrasound picture, Precious Baby, to Angel Rhodes. He told me he thought that was an appropriate name for a girl or a boy.

I struggled with whether to even mention it had happened. But then I thought, this is such a major thing in our life, I don't just want to pretend it didn't happen. But I also don't want to burden others and be like, "Hey, you need to be feeling sorry for me."

But I do think that miscarriage needs to quit being such a "taboo" subject. If we are truly pro-life, then that baby is a baby, and a woman should be allowed to grieve her baby the same, whether it's 9 months old, or 9 weeks old. You can't say that because her baby was the size of a pea, it didn't matter to her as much. Every life is precious.

I promise another (happier!) post soon - but today is a busy day. It's my best friend's birthday (Happy birthday, Brooke!), and I am going to go help my sister, who had to have her appendix removed Monday. Plus this, and that, and the other.....

But who cares, because the sun is shining, and it's going to be 70 degrees today! It will be a glorious day!

I Can't Be Clever.

For almost three weeks, I was trying to come up with a clever way to make my announcement. Now I get to make the announcement, and it’s not what I wanted to be telling everyone:
I was pregnant.
…..was.
On January 20th, Paul and I found out I was expecting. It was totally unplanned, and a complete surprise - I wasn’t even sure I could get pregnant without using fertility drugs (like we had to with both boys). I had been having symptoms - tired, thirsty, and weird food cravings, but I just chalked it up to the horrible cold I had. But when I started feeling sick to my stomach every day, and told Paul that one of our favorite foods sounded gross, he asked, “Are you pregnant?” The thought had crossed my mind, but every time I was sure I’ve had symptoms, the pregnancy test was negative, so I refused to think so. Then the next morning, my varicose veins were horrible, and I said, “Okay.” We went and bought a test before our big date, and it immediately showed positive! (Afterwards, we counted up a dozen symptoms I’d been having, and hadn’t even paid attention to…. I guess I didn’t think it was possible.)
We decided to wait a while to tell people. We hadn’t been expecting it, so we knew no one else would be suspecting anything. Two weeks later, we told his parents, and two days after that, I told my family while we were all together. I wanted to wait to tell friends until we had a sonogram and knew a due date, because according to my weird cycles (or lack thereof), I could have been due anywhere from the middle of August to the end of September.
The day after I told my family, I started spotting (on a Sunday). I knew this was common for some women, even though it wasn’t for me in my two previous pregnancies, so I tried not to worry too much. I called the doctor on Monday, but she wasn’t in, so I decided to wait until my appointment Tuesday morning. I knew if something bad was happening, there wasn’t anything that could be done, anyways, so I wasn‘t going to go to the hospital.
As I expected, Tuesday morning, my doctor sent me to have a sonogram. But instead of getting to see our little baby wiggling around, we saw that there was no heartbeat.
Our baby was 8 weeks old.
I miscarried that night, while Paul and I were on what was supposed to be a romantic getaway.

Even though this baby was unplanned, it in no way was unwanted. We were both so excited to be adding to our family, and were so disappointed to find out it wasn’t going to be so. It’s probably the hardest thing our marriage has been through, and I am glad to say, we’ve come out stronger.
Every day is getting better. The first day was the hardest, when the grief was so fresh, and my body was so weak. But we’ve moved on, and I’ve thanked God for everything - letting us be able to get pregnant on our own, having those few short weeks of joy and excitement, and even the way the miscarriage happened. I praise Him that His ways are higher than my ways.

Angel Rhodes, Resting with Jesus.
February 8, 2011 - 8 weeks