I'm not sure how I feel about it. Is it judgment? (You shouldn't have more than four kids.) Is it curiousity? (Are you one of those "big family" people?) I usually just gave a vague answer, because..... We're weren't sure.
About a year ago, I was feeling pressure from people (and maybe myself) to decide for sure. Everyone says, "You'll know when you're done." But I didn't know. There were a lot of comments about how I needed to get on birth control or Paul needed to have "the operation" done. (Which I did consider rude.)
We had trouble getting pregnant with Nathan. I only had one period in the year after I went off newlywed birth control. That meant one chance to get pregnant. I had no idea what was going on with my body or what medical interventions it would take to get pregnant. It turned out that for me, it was relatively simple. After one round of Clomid (an ovulation drug), I was pregnant.
But in that year, I spent a lot of nights crying out to God with many tears to give us a baby. All I had ever wanted, my whole life, was to be a mother. I recently found a poster I made in 3rd grade about my likes and dislikes, and what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had written "a mommy" and drawn a picture of me with a little child. I wrote my "career paper" for Senior year on motherhood. Being a mom was all I had ever wanted, and all I had ever felt "called" by God to do.
And then I got pregnant. And the hormonoes of pregnancy and nursing apparently set my body in order, because obviously there have been no problems getting pregnant since then. (Our kids are spaced 2 years, 2.5 years, and 20 months apart. We had a miscarriage between our 2nd and 3rd, which accounts for the longer gap.)
So, being that God not only answered our prayers, but blessed us abundantly and beyond with four children, and healed my body, I felt like it wasn't my right to tell God to quit sending blessings. So I left the decision up to Paul, who has to lead and provide for this family. (And deal with me when I'm losing my mind from dealing with kids! :) ) I had some minor health concerns as well, considering I've had two surgeries to repair hernias caused by pregnancy, and also have severe varicose veins. But I felt God reminding me that He made my body. He can heal it and help it carry another baby.
Shortly after I had gotten these thoughts in order in my head, but not really shared them with anyone, Paul sat me down on the couch, last April or so, and said, "We need to talk." My heart dropped, because previous "we need to talks" had been about very upsetting subjects, and I was not ready for one of those talks.
Paul said, "What do you think about having another baby?"
I just laughed.
I told him that I had left it up to him and God, so this was the answer. Paul explained, "I've never felt like we should have more. I was good with one. I was good with two. I've always felt it was up to you since it's your body. And I'm not saying right away. Let's give you a break and get Gideon older and maybe potty trained and next spring (2016), we'll start trying."
In May and June, my cycles messed up, and in July, after several weeks of suspicion, I found out I was pregnant. (And Gideon, showing God's sense of humor, started potty training himself in August.)
So, basically, what we were saying was, "Yeah, God, we heard you. But we'll obey on our own time." And God, being the good Father, decided to make us obey on his time.
So.... We're going to have 5 kids!
This little one is due sometime in mid-March. The doctor's chart says March 8, but sonograms we've had say anywhere from 3-5 days later.
I actually didn't go see the doctor until I was 30 weeks (7 months) along. Our insurance charges us for obstetrician care in both years, if you get pregnant in one year and deliver in another. When we had Zadie (born in April) we paid an additional $700. Last year's insurance, we had a higher deductible and had had zero medical expenses, so we knew we were looking at paying even more. I decided that I knew now, after 4 babies, what was normal for me, and I wasn't paying a thousand bucks to go in for 3 or 4 visits, where all I do is pee all over myself trying to pee in a tiny cup, having them measure my belly, and say, "Do you have any questions? Okay, see you in a month!" Pregnancy is not an illness, so I didn't see a need to go in.
We did have a sonogram at a local women's life center, just for peace of mind. That's where we found out I was due almost 2 weeks earlier than I thought I should be. Even though it's not necessarily a medical sonogram, everything looked good. We even have a video of our 15-week-old baby with hiccups.
After my first appointment (January 12), my doctor ordered another sonogram. Given the activity level of this baby, I am confident of it's health. :) But I went to have one for the doctor's peace of mind. (She had recently had an unhappy surprise during a delivery.) And I wasn't going to complain about getting to see this little one!
A baby at 32 weeks looks so much different than a baby at 16 weeks. I could see the chub starting to form. The technician pointed out the fuzz of hair - enough to show up on a sonogram, even though there's 8 weeks to go! She said he's measuring about 4.5 pounds, which is right about where he should be for how how far along I am. (I say "he", but we don't know if it's a boy or girl.... We're waiting to be surprised again.)
So here is our baby! (And my excuse for such a prolonged absence from blogging.)
I can't wait to meet him (her)!!!
